Where I came from, the raw truth

Therapy is something I believe in even if you are happy. Finding a therapist can be very challenging and finding the wrong one can completely turn you against therapy all together. It’s like finding the perfect heel or running shoe. You have to try a few out before making a commitment. I highly recommend doing interviews to anyone looking for a therapist. Make sure you are comfortable and also on the same page. 

One of the first therapists (I only met with 2 including him) I met with was a visit I’ll never forget. I decided to take advantage of a few few sessions my work offered after the shooting incident happened while I was moving out of a house I shared with my ex. Yes, a shooting incident, and I’ll get to that one of these days. The therapist sat me down and did a bubble chart with my name in the middle and all around my name he wrote things I went through. From loosing my mom, the apartment fire, my divorce, my rape, the drugs, the shootings. He highlighted everything I ever went though and it was extremely traumatic. I never went back and I didn’t see another therapist for 6 years. 

So what I am not going to do is write about everything at once. I am going to share my life in sections to not overwhelm me or you. 

Let’s kick this off with where I came from. I am from the lovely state of New Jersey. And no I do not think drivers are worse than Pennsylvania. It’s probably one of the dumbest things I hear joked about my home state. I wish I could say my parents met in college, they had me, had a wonderful marriage. The whole American dream, but that’s not where I come from. I really do not know how my parents met but I was a planned pregnancy. 

My father had a successful animal and wildlife business where he would capture animals in homes. He did work in some of the most luxury homes and even some celebrities. He would bring me on jobs with him and it’s actually some of the good memories I have of him. What I do know about him is that he had a very messed up childhood and was raised by his grandmother. I never got complete details from him and his brother won’t respond to my messages. He did very well for himself and had multiple properties, rentals and it always seemed like an endless amount of money to do what he wanted. He looked like a young Johnny Knoxville, wore T-shirt’s, black jeans and always a pair of converses. As I got older he would pay me to try new foods, or offered shopping sprees if I cleaned his homing pigeon coups. He used money to get what he wanted and I know he cared more for animals than people. 

My mom, I could write about her forever because there was just so much about her. She was the youngest of 3, to a traditional Italian family. Her and her siblings all ended up in trouble. They all developed addition problems and were in trouble with the law. I feel like they would take turns of who would be In jail. My poor grandmother was such a sweetheart and so in denial. My mom was a tiny spit fire. She was trouble and she always knew it. The stories she told me of her growing up were crazy. She was attacked in a taxi by a cab driver and left for dead. I remember listening to her tell that story to someone. I’m not sure what lead her down this path but no matter where she was she always ended up back on that path. She was a badass, she was apart of armed robberies, she got married at 18, ran away and joined the army. She got heavy into drugs, she sold drugs and did jail time multiple times. She liked fast cars and motorcycles so I like to think I got my passion for cars from her. But something that I learned about my mom was she always struggled with life, she just didn’t know how to handle life. That’s always the easiest way to say it. My 18 years with her I can look back and clearly see it, the me now wishes I could go back and shake sense into her.

My father was so in love with my mom that she convinced him to have a baby and in return she wouldn’t leave him. All she wanted was me, and she made a point to always tell me that. To her I was always her greatest accomplishment. I can look back on home videos and see how my mom was so in love with me and my father in love with her. He didn’t know what to do with a baby and eventually his jealously kicked in and she left him.  He didn’t give up on her for a long time and would show up with expensive gifts trying to get her back. He bought her a Delorian when they first came out and a ring right after she left. She did not go back to him. I feel like she played games with him to get what she wanted. Imagine that! Ha

After all the failed attempts my father made to get my mom back he tried hurting her. By doing what he knew she couldn’t resist and that was her addition problem. I can’t imagine someone knowing your issue and dangling a carrot in front of them hoping they relapse. Shortly after my mom met my step dad while he was working. They were so in love and he convinced her to move us to his home state. This was one of the best decisions she made for us she said. She didn’t want me growing up with our families history following me. 

We had a fresh start but my father would do anything to ruin her happiness. She eventually got herself into a program and had to stay clean. However she could keep drinking and so did my stepdad. He became my dad and did everything a dad would do. He had a big family where I would go and spend time with his siblings and there children. He taught me to ride a bike, fish, and for those 6-7 years I had a somewhat normal childhood. They both developed a serious drinking problem and nights would turn into physical fighting, things being thrown and me learning to stay in my room. They never took it out on me but took it out on each other. 

When I was 8, my mom moved us a couple towns away and this is where we ended up staying. She was dating someone who ended up being married but she didn’t know. That was interesting to find out this man was living 2 separate lives. I continued to see my stepdad and my mom would go up and down with how she was doing. I remember being left alone at 8 and having to call all her local bars trying to find her. What 8 year old is left alone and is calling bars looking for her mother. What was she thinking? Her drinking went up and down over the years, I tried replacing vodka with water in the freezer only to find out it freezes and cracks the glass. She was not happy when I did that. 

She eventually settled down a little and life seemed to get back on track. Her and my stepdad tried working things out multiple times but it never happened. They went separate ways but I continued to see him on weekends up until I was 13. I only saw my biological father when the timing was right for him which was about 2 times a year. 

I can honestly say, my stepdad (terrible word but the only way to describe him without confusing everyone) is the only reason I had stability in my life. He taught me so much and gave me my childhood. Sometimes I wonder if he had been there when I was a teenager and after my mom passed if I would have still ended up in some of the situations I did. But I really try to not dwell on what I could have changed because I became who I am today. 

When I became a step parent in my first marriage to my then husbands son. I wanted to impact a child’s life like my step father did for me. I really wanted to give him what I was given which was another person to love and support him. I’ll always remember the times we spent together and hope I impacted his life in a positive way. That is all I’ll say about him directly in my writing. 

My stepdad and I may have had our ups and downs since I was a teenager but he gave me so much and I’m forever thankful he was there for me. I could go into what I went through with him that caused issues within our relationship but honestly, I owe him more than bringing his struggles to light. He made some mistakes and we worked past them. We are finally in a good place in our lives and he is very involved in my little families life. We talk every single day even if it’s just a good morning sunshine, or an hour conversation about life. Something he told me about my mom and him was they always agreed how to raise me. They both didn’t think they would make it past my early twenties and wanted me to be smart enough to take care of myself without them. They succeeded because I was able to. The man is a good man and I’m lucky to call him my dad. So any parents, step parents wondering what another person can bring into your child’s life. Please see that he gave me so much that my mom and birth father couldn’t. He didn’t try to replace anyone, but added much needed value to my life. So yes, one person can make a difference. 

Until next time

Xoxo